Feeling This Read online

  Published by Casey Blue

  Copyright 2013 Casey Blue

  Cover Art by B Design

  All Rights Reserved. This book contains material protected under the International and Federal copyright laws and treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without express written permission from the author/publisher

  Table of Contents

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty One

  Chapter Twenty Two

  Chapter Twenty Three

  Chapter Twenty Four

  Chapter Twenty Five

  Chapter Twenty Six

  Chapter Twenty Seven

  Chapter Twenty Eight

  Chapter Twenty Nine

  Chapter Thirty

  Chapter Thirty One

  Chapter Thirty Two

  Chapter Thirty Three

  Chapter Thirty Four

  Chapter Thirty Five

  Chapter Thirty Six

  Chapter Thirty Seven

  Chapter Thirty Eight

  Chapter Thirty Nine

  Chapter Forty

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgements

  To Life and all it entails, the happy, the sad, and the most fulfilling things that encourage us to wake up each and every morning to a new day!

  Chapter One

  Jordan

  I stare into the mirror above my dresser that is completely cluttered with candles. Susan and her damn candles, but then remembering last night, maybe I really shouldn’t complain. My hands move deftly to secure the knot on the plain, baby blue tie as I recall her insistence on the candles and a smile creeps to my mouth.

  Susan calls out from the bathroom where she’s getting ready, “I really don’t see the point of this whole thing. David and Bree have been together since what, the third grade? Why all the fuss for an engagement party? They seem to celebrate themselves every weekend anyway.”

  I roll my eyes, this is so typical of her. She won’t complain when it’s her engagement party. I call out sarcastically, “Will you feel the same when it’s our turn? When our parents want to parade you around the club to announce our engagement?”

  Once my tie is finished, I stroll to the floor length mirror and check to make sure that I’m presentable enough. I hate these things at the club. It’s all for show and status. My navy blue slacks and white shirt will be sufficient. As I reach up and push my hair out of my eye, I realize that not only will my mom give me a hard time about my lack of sleep but also the length of my hair. My mom and her petty complaints aren’t important at the moment.

  I stroll into the bathroom doorway and glance at Susan from behind. A small smile plays on my lips as I take her in. She embodies all that is putting on a show at the club, as much as she would deny it. Her light brown hair hangs in ringlets down her bare back, exposed by the turquoise dress she has chosen. A small gold chain attaches at each of her shoulders, ensuring it won’t fall off. I move my gaze to meet her round honey brown eyes in the mirror. Her smile turns sexy and she teases, “Do you like what you see?”

  I nod my head slowly and walk forward.

  She continues, “And just for your information, we have only been together for three years, we deserve this way more than they do.”

  I roll my eyes once again at her antics and move closer, sliding my hands into the sides of her dress to touch the smooth, tender skin. She leans back into me and mumbles only half convincingly, “Jordan, you know now is not the time…”

  I take her lack of conviction as permission and move my hands lower while my lips meet her almost bare shoulder, peppering it in tiny kisses. She moans and my heart speeds in anticipation. She slowly turns in my arms forcing my hands out from the warmth of her dress. Her hands move up my chest clasping around my neck. She moves her lips to meet mine in a deep kiss while my hands slowly caress her back and find their way down over her firm ass. Before I can take it any further though, she breaks our connection and moves back a step. I look at her with longing, but the minute I see the set look in her eyes, I know, it’s not going any further. The moment is fleeting and I feel like I need a cold shower.

  She smiles sweetly reasoning, “Jordan, you know we have to go. Maybe we can finish this later.”

  I smile down adoring her, this woman, my Susan, who is everything today that she was three years ago when I met her on the campus grounds of The University of Texas. We were both in our senior year. She studying fashion and I business administration and marketing. I fell in love with her that day and every single day since I have fallen more deeply in love with her. I knew then that I would marry her one day.

  She holds out a gold necklace adorned with black stones and asks, “Can you fasten this?”

  “Of course, Susie Q.”

  Turning to face the mirror again her body stiffens and she frowns hissing as if I just committed the ultimate of crimes, “You know how I feel about that name, Jordan. Don’t call me that…It’s not me.”

  It happens so suddenly, her mood turns. My pet name has never caused this side of her to come out. My heart falters realizing yet another thing has triggered it. I never know what will set her off so I always take my chances. Looking down, trying not to meet her empty gaze, I shake my head. If I get into it with her and try to reason why she is so snappy, it will spiral out of control. My best reaction when this happens, is none. I clasp the necklace and let my fingers linger on her skin for a moment. Turning to walk back out of the bathroom, her words stop me in my tracks, “Are you going to ask my father tonight?”

  I don’t look back but answer her softly, “I’ll ask him tonight if an opportunity opens up.”

  This seems to satisfy her because she doesn’t respond. The faucet turns on and the trickling of water into the sink fills the silence. I make my way back into the bedroom and sit on the edge of the unmade bed, resting my hands on my knees. My eyes focus on the blue designs in the Persian rug under my feet. This is the hardest part of being with Susan, her unpredictable mood swings. There is never any warning when she might have one. I love her so much. There is nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do for her. How it will affect our future, worries me.

  Tonight I do intend on talking with her parents, just not about what she is hoping. I want to spend the rest of my life with her because she is it for me, but there are other things that we need to take care of first.

  ***

  The car ride to the club is strained and silent. We’re both in our own world. Because of the brief exchange in the bathroom, I’m afraid to say anything else that might set her off. She’s in one of these moods and we are going to the club. It’s not a battle I want to entertain in public.

  I maneuver the car through the busy streets out into the stark neighborhood where The Turtle Creek Country Club is located. As much as I hate coming to the stuffy events here, it means more to my relationship with Susan than I would like to admit. We met in college away from here but a surprise to both of us, when we discovered both of us grew up in the same town, attending the same country club all our lives. Our parents knew of each other but had never socialized with one another.
It was as if from the pages of a book back when arranged marriages were common place. Our mothers have been planning the announcement of our engagement for months now. I haven’t shared with anyone that I’ve already asked her to marry me. I still have to take the normal steps by asking for her dad’s permission first. I’m just not ready for that yet.

  I pull my black Infinity into a spot and make my way around the car to open the passenger side door, grasping her hand to help her step out of the car. Once she is facing me, I lean in to her ear and breathe on her neck creating the goose bumps I knew would appear and whisper, “You look stunning tonight. I can’t wait until we can finish what we started.”

  She backs up looking up into my eyes. Her empty and confused gaze tells me that she still hasn’t come back yet. I look down unable to meet her eyes again and squeeze her hand, turning to lead her into the club. A few steps forward, she pulls on my hand. I glance back into her face and she smiles sweetly.

  Just like that, she’s back. I have to help her get this under control. That is my plan for the night; take the steps necessary to get my Susie Q the help she needs.

  I gather her in my arms and nuzzle her neck causing more goose bumps. She giggles and whispers, “Jordan, I love you so much.”

  My heart warms at her words. How did I get so lucky and find the most perfect woman on my first try?

  She breaks our connection too soon and laughs at my disappointment while straightening her dress, “Did you forget where we are?”

  I hold out my arm resigned. She pulls me close and we walk arm in arm through the door to greet the familiar faces of friends and family. The part of our relationship that still puzzles me every time we come here is the fact that we have both known many of these people for a long time but we never met each other growing up. We attended different high schools, but grew up with everyone through the club. It’s as if fate didn’t intervene until the perfect moment.

  Susan ends up pulling me through the throng of people spread through the grand room. I nod acknowledging acquaintances and friends as we move along. Finally, she stops and I drape my arm around her back pulling her close. The warmth of her skin against my palm sends my heart beating faster. I look up and find us face to face with David and Bree, the guests of honor. I shake David’s hand and he greets me, “Hey Bro, glad you guys could make it.”

  “Congrats, it’s about time.” I wink for effect.

  I’ve been friends with Dave since the second grade. Susan was right about the third grade thing. When we were in third grade he started crushing on Bree. He finally asked her out in tenth grade. Why it took him so long, who knows but now we’re twenty-five and he’s finally acknowledged that it’s for good. He finally popped the question. I gave him all kinds of hell about it over the last three years when I got serious with Susan. I knew it would not be good in Bree’s eyes, if Susan got a ring and an engagement party before her. He finally manned up.

  He shakes his head and glances over to Susan after she embraces Bree and he kisses her cheek. She settles back into my side, “Like we would miss your engagement party. It’s not as if we all get engaged every day.”

  We all laugh at this because it is the running joke at the club. The amount of divorced and remarried couples is pretty high. These engagement parties are a dime a dozen. It’s silly and if I could get us out of our own, I would. But neither of our moms would accept that. They practically have it all planned already. They just need to know I’ve asked and then they will run wild, I’m sure.

  Susan asks, “Jordan, baby will get me something to drink?”

  “Of course, Susie, be right back.”

  I peer back at her once I take a few steps away. She is watching me intently and seems confused momentarily. I look away not wanting to face this at the moment. It seems to be happening more and more lately. She is here one minute and the next I‘m not sure if she’s my Susie or someone else.

  I make my way to the bar and run into Brian a friend I’ve known since freshman year in high school. He is married with his first baby on the way. Even with our perfect, influential upbringing, as my mother would say, he and Victoria started out too early and missed the mark. I’d say he actually hit the mark exactly, just not in the right order my mom thinks is appropriate. They had a shotgun wedding once they found out she was pregnant. It was all everyone could talk about for a while, the fact that she got knocked up without being married first. Now everyone has moved on to other things, good for Brian.

  “Hey Brian, how are you? How is Victoria?”

  He grabs his drink from the bar and nods, “How’s it going? She’s over near our parents.” I glance across the room where he implies and note that she is a lot bigger around the middle than the last time I saw her.

  I look at him surprised and exclaim, “Wow dude, when is that baby due?”

  He laughs, “Late November.”

  He turns on me, “When are we going to find out about an engagement? I hear both of your moms are already fierce with anticipation.”

  I laugh unable to hold back, “Yeah dude, that’s what I hear too. Soon, hopefully soon.”

  I step forward to give the bartender my order and Brian calls as he turns to go, “Talk to you soon, Jordan.”

  “Sounds good.”

  As I make my way back to Susan, I watch her cautiously. She is talking animatedly to Bree. Her smile seems genuine. I hand her the glass of dry white wine and she smiles, pausing in her conversation only to take it from my hand and lift the glass to take a sip.

  I scan the room, noticing the usual crowd with the usual political and religious topics. Both of us have grown up in this environment with these commonplace events. But they are never regular in my book. I have never seen the need for all the hoopla.

  Susan, on the other hand seems born for it at times. She enjoys socializing and dressing up most of the time. Sometimes though, she wants to skip the parties and sit home just as much as I do. Tonight I was a little surprised at her reaction to coming. She has been close with Bree since they were middle- schoolers. For her to consider skipping her best friend’s engagement party, worries me. I know from conversations with others, these two were completely inseparable before I came along.

  A hand moves to touch my elbow and encircles my upper arm. I glance down to see who it is and notice my mom’s diamond studded wedding ring. My eyes raise to meet her worn blue ones emitting tiny wrinkles at the corners. She is dressed up impeccably as usual in a black cocktail dress.

  She smiles and greets me, “Jordan, it’s good to see you. Susan.”

  Susan glances over and steps up to kiss her on the cheek. I lean over and kiss her other cheek briefly. As I look up to my dad hovering behind her, she claims moving her hand from my arm to my cheek, “Are you not sleeping well dear? You look so tired. Your hair is getting awfully long in the front.”

  A sigh escapes my lips before I can stop it. My mother is so predictable. She doesn’t have a chance to respond to my uneasiness. Instead Susan glances over and pinches my side leaning into my ear, “Don’t give her a hard time, she just worries about you, that’s her job.”

  My mom has forgotten my reaction already. She is greeting and embracing Susan’s parents who have just stepped up. Her dad, Dan, walks over and shakes my hand making small talk about the weather. I have always felt from the first day I met him that he lacked a backbone. Harsh I know, but her mom, Rebecca, always seemed to wear the pants in the family. She says jump and he doesn’t even bother to ask how high, he just jumps until she says stop.

  I turn to Susan murmuring, “Hey, maybe we should stop monopolizing the happy couple.”

  She ignores me for a moment finishing her comment to Bree, something about a dress, and what was she thinking. After a few more awkward minutes she turns and tells me, “Lead the way.”

  I grab her hand and lead her to a table across the room. Once she sits down and starts talking to her parents who have made their way over, I make my way back to the bar. Thinking abou
t speaking to her father tonight, brings to mind that I could benefit from some liquid courage.

  My dad saunters up beside me as I wait for my turn and pats me on the back. “So son, your mom keeps pestering me. I promised I would ask. When should we plan on this for you and Susan?”

  I frown, understanding where he is coming from with this, but not liking it. Maybe my dad is just like Dan, no backbone. My mom is demanding but he can usually handle her. I look over at him and see how uncomfortable he is at having to ask me this.

  “Dad, I’m working on it.”

  He nods satisfied with my answer and changes the subject, “Have you thought about my offer?”

  I know my mom won’t be satisfied with my answer but I don’t have to live with her.

  “I’m still mulling it over. I’d really like to make it on my own for a while.”

  He agrees with me, ”I know son, jobs aren’t as plentiful as they used to be though. It’s a tough market out there. My offer stands. You can work for me as long as you like until you find something but I would love it if you would become a partner and help run the company. You know you are my only hope to keep it in the family. Your sister is too right brained to run a tech company.”

  I hang my head and wait as my turn at the bar is next. This has been on my dad’s agenda since I graduated three years ago. I’ve dabbled with the idea of going back to school since I haven’t found anything else. But he is adamant about me running the company. I’m not against it completely, it’s close to my degree major. I just want to be independent of my parents for a while, which is proving to be difficult. As I do look elsewhere, I agreed to take a job in his marketing department for the time being. It makes me feel like I’m doing something to pay the bills and not just get a free ride to the top.

  Susan has other thoughts about it. She thinks I should help run the company because it’s my birthright, her word, not mine. Yet another thing I love about her, she has told me this only once. When I told her how I felt, she claimed that she would always support me in what I decide. Just thinking about her principles when she is here and aware, motivates me even more to do what I can to help her.